Change Is Hard

SO much has been going on in my life since my last post, so much change. And to be honest it has been very hard.

Getting used to living alone was far from easy but I am loving it. This apartment is super cute and easy to keep up with, which is very good given that I have recently figured out why my life always seemed so difficult.

At the urging of my daughter I went to see a real mental health professional. As my baby girl suspected, the running joke in the family is no joke. Mama bear (and a good number of the women in the family) is ADHD. I say running joke because we have all for years been super reliant on coffee to function. Not to wake up, but to actually focus and get anything completed on our to-do lists. We seriously could mainline caffeine and still fall asleep. I just assumed that I was one of those people who was kind of a loser when it came to keeping my life on track. I’m not at all a loser, but when facing each day with 19 brain tabs open, 4 frozen and a random musical selection playing non-stop in my head, not a lot was going to be accomplished beyond the very basic necessities.

The first thing I did before even going to my appointment was to start weaning off of Citalopram. If you happen to take it please do not stop cold turkey. Way back in Florida I had decided to end my 12 year relationship with this medication, and managed to slowly get to 10mg a day. My wise-beyond-her-years daughter suggested I not eliminate it completely until I moved back to Cincinnati because as a psychology major she knew what was coming my way.

Quick background story: the whole reason I had taken it 12 years ago was the then husband-soon-to-be-ex had said he wanted a divorce due to my anger issues. His words, not mine. The doc listened to him and put me on 40mg doses because of the pending divorce and my being in menopause. I honestly think it is typical male bullshit, just drug her into quite submission. I won’t rehash all of that but the doc was a general practitioner who seems to just write those prescriptions willy hilly because a good number of us in the family take this medication.

Here I am, 59 years old and finally know that I do not have anger issues. My poor ADHD brain can only handle so much at once before I lose it. This isn’t an anger issue, this is a whole bunch of stuff I’m just beginning to grasp, but was not something I could get control of without assistance. Citalopram masked many normal emotions and I was a functioning zombie. I still had explosions because the root issue was not being addressed, but when it came to processing things like my divorce, parents deaths, relationship endings, well I didn’t. I didn’t ‘feel’.

I feel it ALL now and I’m in therapy trying to get over the past 12 years worth of hoopla. This time walking through each event and actually healing one tear at a time. But at least now I’m on the right medication, have focus, control and only 3 open tabs and a low volume instrumental now and then. The brain zaps from ending the other medication have stopped and while I’m an emotional roller coaster I feel normal.

Many tasks, including my life long dream of writing novels, are finally in process so I feel accomplished most days. I’m also going to write a sin-to-saved tell all book in the hopes of helping other women on the road of life as a believer and follower of Christ. Buckle up there buttercups because that is going to flip some apple carts!