I’m struggling.
I miss what used to be, 5 or 6 months ago, before anyone had ever really heard of Covid-19. Before hand sanitizer and face masks were in everyone’s purses or cars. Back when social distancing wasn’t a catch phrase or a practice. When hugging friends and family was something we did without concerns of spreading a potentially deadly virus.
This morning I finally watched a teaching segment on my church’s website that I’ve been trying to find time to actually view, from one of my favorite teaching pastors, Alli Patterson. It is less than 5 minutes long but for whatever reason I just never seemed to have time to sit through it. Work, social media, games on my phone, laying on the couch staring at the blank TV screen because nothing was on worth watching, or sitting here at the desk knowing I have a dozen posts to do for my Avon business and not being able to muster up enough give a darn to do it…all got in the way of that needed 5 minutes.
Anyway, it hit me when watching this that I’m in mourning.
The video isn’t about mourning but that was what came to me. I am mourning the loss of what was my normal. Just like when we lost mom and knew she’d never be back, never open those beautiful blue eyes full of life again, a good portion of life as I and we knew before 4 months ago may never be the same again, may be gone forever.
I miss when all I had to remember for work the next morning was to set the alarm to wake up, and not did I remember to put a fresh couple of face masks in my bag. I miss being able to breathe freely rather than sucking wind hard through several layers of fabric that may or may not be protecting me or anyone else from anything at all (not looking to debate it, thanks). Hands that were not dried out from using hand sanitizer every 5 minutes or each time I pass it depending which comes first. Hugging my residents, I miss that so much but we have to keep our distance when not 3 inches from their faces to change their clothes, clean them up after they soil their Depends, shower them and every other little need they have. Be close but no unnecessary touching. Sorry but these people NEED hugs, lots of them.
Evenings were catching the latest episode of a needless television program, but now nothing is new because the virus stopped production. We didn’t even get our cliff hanger season finale for any shows, they just came to a sudden, awkward halt.
Instead of cute cat videos and memes, my social media feeds are full of BLM, social justice, pro this and anti that stuff that just causes more anxiety and division. Arguments for and against face masks, which is more deadly flu or Covid-19, vaccine or no vaccine.
JUST FREAKING STOP!!!
I can’t take it anymore.
The stages of grief fit in here and the world has reached the anger level. Not everyone, some are still deeply holding in denial, some are bargaining and many are depressed. But one thing is certain, a look at the news will show the clearly defined stages. Many are just at acceptance mixed with depression which is where I think I fall. I accept and wear these masks but I’m depressed over all that is not as it was any longer.
But what should come back into my life, what was making me stagnant in growth vs. what was actually making me a better Christian?
I’ve pruned entertainment down to games on my phone and even that is a time sucker of minutes I can never get back, making virtual crap and building a virtual city.
I considered going back to school, online of course, but do I really need more debt? I’m still paying off student loans from over 12 years ago so that is a hard no.
What is not essential?
TV, actors, actresses, singers and song writers, politicians, athletes, movie theaters, stadiums, bars, mega grocery stores.
Essential?
The simple, basics of life.
Food, shelter, family, friends, but mostly, Jesus. Loving our fellow man, helping those in need, sharing what we have to offer no matter if it is a smile, a glass of water, clothing, food, money. Even at one point a roll of toilet paper and now quarters for those needing to do their laundry.
LOVE is essential, in whatever form it takes.
I have to work through a lot of this as I’m peeling away the layers of life that need to just be left behind so I can keep growing. And it is painful at times. But in the end, when this all passes, I hope to be better for the loss and what I will gain.
More bible reading, less TV watching
More crocheting, less phone games
More coloring with my grandkids, less social media
More making memories, less concern about world news
More love, less hate
Marti Gardner 
This is your very best. You’ll touch a lot of hearts with this one.