Whenever one of us is in the middle of a difficult time in life, mom reminds us that “a year from now the landscape of your life will be very different.” Over the past 4 years that has proven to be very true indeed. So much so that my niece has it tattoo’d down the middle of her back.
4 years ago at this time, I was preparing for my divorce. The ex wanted out, and on May 1st the Diva Den gals were all moving into our new house. I embraced the light on this time frame, thankful for the amazing home, the women in my family who were wrapped lovingly around me in support. Yes, I was emotionally shattered and some days it hurt just to breathe, but my marriage was over and I had to accept that. It is amazing how, when one adopts an attitude of gratitude, happiness will invade the soul.
Every year since, around this time of year, I am able to look back and see how the landscape has once again changed and transformed. The divorce was a major turning point, so there is BD – before divorce, and AD – after divorce. Everyone does this over some major life event…before the fire, after the fire…before daddy died, after daddy’s death. Last year, just before turning 50, I had met someone I thought would be the forever love of my life. We met on a dating site, hit it off well, and in a matter of weeks I was living with him. I called him The Knight.
We had a comfortable, mellow life in the palace. When the kids were there it wasn’t quite as mellow but all was still good. I was content. But I was not truly happy. We never had a cross word between us, and he made me laugh every single day. But we didn’t fit together. Does that make sense? It never felt like home. So, I had to do something that I never imagined ever doing, I did the breaking up. And I took the coward’s road out of it too. I am quite ashamed to say it, but I left when he was at work last Sunday. I wrote a letter and left it there with my keys, packed my belongings and road off into the sunrise. Later in the day when I knew he was off of work and headed home, I did text him so he wouldn’t walk in and be completely blind sided. But there was simply no way to look him in the eyes and hurt him like I knew it would. Yes I am weak in that regard, I do NOT like to hurt anyone. And he did nothing wrong at all, so having to break his heart was too much. I never imagined I could love someone and yet know with every fiber of my being that it wasn’t where I belong.
I’m back at the Diva Den, where it feels likes home. It is where the world feels right again. And yet, though I feel I deserve to be happy, I still feel like some kind of ugly monster because I not only hurt him, I know it hurt his kids. The two youngest kept talking about me and the Knight getting married. Yes there was possibility, but honestly if he had asked I’d have said no. We are both good people, we both love each other. But we are in very different places. He is in parent mode, I am in grandparent mode. I broke my own guidelines in my dating profile, no one younger (wanted them in grandparent mode too or at that age), and no one with young children because I am past the parent role. I thought I could do it. I was so wrong. I did not mean to hurt the kids or the Knight, but I have to be true to me. Instead of being the super cool step-mom that they saw me as, I am now the monster that broke their hearts from their daddy on down the line, by vanishing one Sunday morning.
I need to put my heart back inside the protective shell it was in after it was released from ICU 4 years ago. Make no mistake, I hurt too. I will miss them, but the palace is not the home of this princess, and deep down I know that the only true Prince Charming in my life ditched this princess 4 years ago and I will never love like that again.
And I am really okay with that.
Oh, I am so sorry that it did not work out. But as you say, the heart wants to be “home” and that is where it should be. I think in time because this was not a case of someone being “wrong”, or any big problems, The Knight and is children will eventually see that you did what you had to do, and that they were blessed and privileged to have you in their lives for the time they did. Some people leave footprints on our hearts, it certainly seems they did for you. I think in time they will see the same.
And I think you are very wise for knowing it wasn’t “right” for you and taking the steps to leave. Many would have stayed because it was “good enough for now.” And that would have only made it hurt more in the end at a later date.
Beautiful and deep yet direct. These are the types of posts that allow a person’s level of growth (or lack thereof) to show and clearly, you’ve learned and have grown.
Sometimes it can take a person years to come to terms with the relationships from the past – the good, bad and the ugly.
I’m happy for you having realized what didn’t work for you with The Knight because in the end, we have to do what is right for us.
Cheers to a new year and a new landscape and oh – that tattoo is precious.
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