The Serenity Prayer, commonly used by AA, and other programs, is one of my favorites. It is also one I need to seriously learn to take to heart a bit more than I already do. When it comes to accepting things I cannot change, well that is a tough one for me. I have the need to fix things and make them right. This can be both a wonderful gift and a huge curse. Most of the time, it is a tremendous blessing. Grudges for example, I don’t hold onto wrongs or even perceived wrongs for very long. Forgiveness tends to come far too easily to me, but it keeps my heart from becoming bitter.
In keeping with the “courage to change the things I can”, one of the passages of the bible that always haunts me is Romans 12:1-18. More than once I’ve posted then deleted something either on Facebook, Twitter or my blog, that was less than kind. Especially in the months and even year or two after my divorce, I was deep in the crazy phase after that, emotionally and mentally shattered and raw. (by the way, if you are going through, have gone through, or know someone doing the divorce dance, this book, Crazy Time is a must read!) I know that once words are out there, you really cannot take them back. But I do try to make things right when possible. It is a part of me that I’ve had to work very hard to change and I’ve made impressive strides. However, I do have a long way to go, I know. I won’t give up trying though, I know I need to pray and keep trying to right my wrongs.
When life is going well, and I am able to see so many blessings weaving my happiness, it is then that I feel I really should try to make amends for the wrongs I may have committed. So, here in life things are amazing, and I’m happy. In turn, I decided to reach out and try to make amends. A former friend popped up in my Facebook “you might know”, likely due to us having like 50+ mutual friends. At first I joked that Facebook needs a serious reality check, as that person would rather give up their slut shoe collection than ever accept a friend request from me. Funny thing, it has been so long now that I cannot even remember exactly what the issues were that caused the rift. So, on a whim I went ahead and sent the request. After all, she claims to be a Christian, posts stuff on her page about forgiving folks etc., so I figured maybe she really IS a changed person. Maybe she really is a Christian. This is about that time the “wisdom to know the difference” should have kicked in. I got back a response about how I had posted something she assumed was about her a few weeks back, blah blah blah and essentially no, why would I want to be her friend. Hmmm…so I did mention that whole thing about profession of faith, posts about forgiveness, but I guess that is selective?? I have offered in the past to sit down, face to face and put it all on the table, whatever it all is, but that was shot down. This time, I’m blocked. Too funny. Maybe she missed that verse, Romans 12:18? Or that whole section (12:1-18) in her bible studies? Oh well it is off my head, I did in fact try, this isn’t the first time. And all I can do is continue to pray for her.
It is funny to me that 2 days later she is on her page begging for attention with the baiting phrases of, “Seriously contemplating breaking one of my own golden rules“, “Just a nagging pain in my @$$ from the other night. I’m allowing someone to irritate me, and thinking about “airing my dirty laundry“, and “This is a resurfacer!!! Sadly, those who are on that “list” have a way of rearing their UGLY heads….I’m washing that dirt out of my thoughts!!!” So much for that, she came back after her treadmill time with, “As for that individual, she is unhappy! For all of the blogs she posts, about how “marvi” her life is, truth is, she is not living the life she hoped to have. Thank you (name removed) for your valid insight. I’m very happy that woman is “praying” for me. All goes to show, therefore but, by the grace of God go I. I’m bless’d to have such loving friends, and apparently, foes as well. Life is very good!”
I will give her that the life I am living is not the one I had hoped for, and thank God because this one? It’s far better! I’m not only NOT unhappy, I’m ecstatic! As she never talks to me I’m not sure how she could think I’m anything BUT happy. I’m a very open book, to a fault. I post my life openly on many social media outlets and my blog, with nothing at all to hide. When I’m not happy, I post that. When angry, upset and/or bitter, I post(ed) that too. Why would I not post, therefore, when I am happy? I have a wonderful man, a great job, live in a really sweet house, I am loved by far more than not, I have 2 adorable grandchildren and just found out that I’m gaining a super guy as a son-in-law.
Having the chance to step back and evaluate me, my life, dreams, goals, desires, blessings and curses, I uncovered a lot about myself that was not pretty over the past 3 years up until this past May when I turned 50. It wasn’t easy to face the woman in the mirror at times. Don’t get me wrong, I sought the silver lining, the glass half full, and despite being in a great deal of emotional and mental anguish after my marriage ended, I clung to what was good in my life. I knew that focusing on the good, positive and happy things would cultivate those very things all the more. And it did. I went through a purging of sorts, tossing out the things about me that needed to go, and filling up the closet of me with things that needed to be there. And when I was ready, God brought a very special person into my life and flipped my world on end. I’m back to getting butterflies in my stomach when I head home, knowing he is there waiting for me. Exchanging texts throughout my day with someone who always sends me a good morning one before I head out to work (he is up and gone before me). My life is full of laughter and joy that I never imagined I’d know, joy such as exceeds anything I knew before or ever dreamed of having. Again, she is correct, this is not the life I had hoped for, it is way better than what I had hoped for!
Now, mind you, I am not the “independent family specialist” she claims to be, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and tell you what I think. I think it is she who is unhappy. She cannot imagine going through what I did and coming out the other side a very happy person. She is aging, and that scares her because she knows those younger, hotter women at the swinger club are going to be a bigger draw to the single men than she. She’s always threatened by anyone who seems to have a happier life than her, is prettier, has a kinder heart than hers. Sooner or later everyone who calls her a friend manages to get on her bad side and make her ‘list’. She craves the attention so much so that she’d even make a post like the “contemplating breaking one of my own golden rules”, or as we’ve seen in the past, something eluding to someone having hurt her blah blah, until everyone says “Oh honey what’s wrong”. Then of course, she ‘hates for friends to have to read this but….’, not understanding if she truly hated for anyone to read it, she’d never post it in the first place.
And yet, for some unknown reason, I still love the woman I called a friend. But that is me, I always have had a huge soft spot for idiots, fools, the lost, the hurting and the underdogs/misfits. I’d still welcome sitting down and putting all the cards on the table (well she’d have the cards as I have nothing against her), but she honestly isn’t a big enough person to do that. So, instead I will just go on praying for her, and hoping one day she knows true happiness, from the top of her self proclaimed royal head to the tips of her painted toes. Meanwhile, perhaps it is time to ‘know the difference’ between a situation that can be mended, and one that is hopelessly lost.
Marti Gardner 