Random Thoughts From Behind The Steering Wheel

traffic-angerMy commute to work is never boring.  28 miles from the palace to the office, not to mention the trip home again, is always entertaining if nothing else.

As a general rule, there is heavy traffic on the drive.  Not usually for any reason, just random slow downs and stops on the highway for absolutely nothing.  Approaching what we all call “the cut in the hill” here in northern Kentucky, it is especially awesome.  This stretch of I71/75 used to be, or so I’m told, one of the deadliest stretches of highway.  This might be an old wives tale, but I will admit it used to be much worse of a steep grade than it is now.  It has been modified and while it is still a very steep grade, it no longer shows up on the list of deadliest stretches of highway.  Sure, if you are not paying attention and have to brake suddenly, the steep grade downward is going to make it very difficult to stop.  I know this from personal experience, and while I did not hit anyone, it did wake me up to just how careful I need to be on that hill.

Now, it is my theory that as folks approach this section of the road they freak out, get all white knuckled and think OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!! and begin to slow down.  WAY down.  This starts a chain reaction of folks slowing, or in the case of those mind wandering types, standing on the brakes and before long traffic is backed up for several miles.  Really, 2 or 3 miles!  Which may not seem like a lot, unless you are burning up the pavement at the breakneck speed of 5mph and stopping periodically for up to 30 seconds.  I do not text and drive but I could probably write an entire blog post in that 3 miles before the Ohio river if I did!

Within this daily commute are various folks who wish to merge into the lane I am occupying.  This is acceptable.  On an optimal commute, they turn on their turn signal, indicating a desire to move into traffic in front of me, and I let off the gas to slow enough to make room for them and their car zips on in there and life is all warm and fuzzy on the road.  Rarely is this the way the scene plays out.  Not only does Joe Brain Dead Citizen fail to use his turn signal (seems some folks must believe these are options and not standard issue on vehicles today) sometimes the imbecile wanting to slide in grossly  under estimates the size of his car and the distance between  my bumper and the one in front of me.  Perhaps with some lube and a shoe horn, and the ability to accordion his machine to half it’s original size, he could indeed safely change lanes leaving half an inch to spare between us all.  Often I have to brake for these douche canoes.  This sends my purse sailing to the floor and the contents spill out and this makes the mood of the princess less than marvelous.

Then there is the other extreme.  Joe Average Citizen flips on his little blinker then drives along as I provide more, and more, and yet even more room.  I flash the brights to indicate that yes he is welcome to join the drivers in my lane.  And. He. Does. Nothing.  Look, ass clown, society reserves engraved invitations for formal occasions like weddings.  This is a traffic merge, it’s not a black tie affair, just get in the damn lane or turn off the signal!!! Oh and careful there bud, you almost rear ended that semi while trying to make up your mind.

I won’t even GO there when it comes to people texting and driving. I could write a weeks worth of posts on that topic and the zombies who attempt this thinking they are awesome drivers.

Now, I don’t get to looking like the chick in the photo, because it is just NOT worth it.  I tend to say something to the effect of “what are you doing? really, dude, wtf are you doing?” then I’m over it.

Lately I have taken to singing and seat dancing like the guy in the “highway sing along – buttercup edition” video.  It’s just a blast and entertains the other drivers.   (see video below for my inspiration)


***disclaimer – rough language beyond this point***

I do want to post this to the wall of driver shame.  On Springfield Pike this morning, at around 7:25am, this idiot blew through 2 school zones.  I mean active, lights flashing, kids all around school zones, doing at least 40mph.   I know this because he flew past me when I was doing 35mph, BEFORE the school zones, and never even slowed down as  he plowed through those child filled areas with complete disregard for the kids.  SHAME ON YOU COMMUNITY LAWN CARE truck driver, you, sir, are a flaming, wrap around asshole!  Too bad at zone #3 the light changed or the radar cop sitting off to the side could have nailed your worthless piece of crap ass!

At the light I took a picture of your truck to post today.  I was thankful for the red light so I could do this.

I’ll cut my lawn with a scissors before I’d hire this bunch.

I hope you get several flat tires, you douche canoe
I hope you get several flat tires, you douche canoe

One comment

  1. I LOVE HIM!!! I want to drive with him and do a duet. I am thinking Don’t Go Breaking My Heart…???
    as for the “blinking intention forever” people: not so much love.
    And the school zone guy I’d like to punch in the throat. hard. Bravo for outing them!

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