Be Still..And Lock The Gate From The Inside

May I ramble a bit? Of course I may, it’s my blog after all. And my thoughts are jumbled anyway so I am just going to type and see what comes out.

The garden gate is LOCKED!  Sign says “No Trespassing” and it is just going to stay that way for awhile.

About a year and a half back I wrote about My Metamorphosis that I was going through after separating from the then prince charming and headed up on the final date of  my divorce.  I feel like I am once again in that limbo stage in life, wrapped in a cocoon and waiting, except that is crappy analogy as a caterpillar only gets to change once into a butterfly.  I have no idea what I am at the moment.  I know I’m behind the  locked gate of the garden again and my brain and heart are unsettled, feeling restless.

Restless and just a bit irritated, even angry.  2 weeks ago there were dreams, goals and at least something of a direction.  Now I’m sitting here looking at the pieces of the shattered dreams, scratching my head and puzzled.  No communication, no attempt to try to work through things, just a lot of unanswered questions.

My sister, in her “little sister will fix this” ways stopped by and talked to the Count, who told her he would call me, after admitting he’d likely think like I did if I had done the same things to him.  So, that night I waited.  Nothing. I’ve emailed a few times, sent a few texts.  Nothing.  Not even the courtesy of a response.  This is no doubt what I had to look forward to down the road if we had gotten married, him shutting me out like a child when he is upset rather than sitting down like the 53-year-old man he is and talking about it.  He always said if he had a problem with something he would just tell me, he talked a great game about how important communication was to the relationship.  So, WTF?  I know, he isn’t going to because that was a line of crap and I fell for it.

I am beginning to accept I am not keeper material.  I am there for a time to have the love, life and joy sucked out of me, while someone tries to mold and change me into what they want, and then they give up and walk away when they find out that I am really not going to change.  It isn’t like I hide who I am from the men that cross my path.  I am NOT going to lose who I am ever again, I am who I am you just have to accept me as I am.  Funny, the Count said that about himself too, and expected me to take him as he is…yet he isn’t willing to take me as I am? GRRRRRRRR men!  My ex husband told me over and over again that all men are pigs, and despite the protests from the Count to the contrary, I’m in agreement. OINKERS!!!!!

I’m strong-willed, bull-headed if you want to call it that.

Stubborn as hell.

I pout when I don’t get what I want but I get over it pretty fast.

I have a foul mouth at times.

I don’t always think before I act.

But I am loyal as they come.

I will stand behind the man that is mine and support him even if I don’t like what he is doing.

I make the man that is mine the center of my world, and my life revolves around him.

I love with every part of my heart and soul and when I commit I NEVER give up. I don’t quit them, they quit me.

I take you good and bad, and the whole rigamarole that goes with wedding vows and believe me when I say I’ve been tested, and yes, rich, poor, sickness, health, good times and bad. If I say I do, believe me I will, to a fault but my word is true.  I ask only the same in return.

There was a time when I would be stomping around, pissed off, throwing things.  But now, over time, I’ve learned to control it.  I WANT to scream and throw things, but I’m sitting here restless, frustrated, hurt, angry and confused.  Now I know, he is boxed and on the shelf to be left here in 2011, I just haven’t taped the box shut yet, okay?  It’s more than just him, it’s also about ME, not moving forward into another relationship just yet.  I could, it isn’t for a lack of opportunity from Sir Lancelot to get to know each other and explore things, but also there is a line forming over yonder outside the wall, the Teddy Bear, Romeo, The Colts fan and a few others that still need nicknames, who expressed a desire to suck the remaining life out of me see if they might be my perfect fit. Trouble is I am not ready for that, I need some time.  Time without outside influences that want my attention.  I’m locking the gate to my garden, from the INSIDE, so no keys will work from the outside no matter who is holding them.

Perhaps it is me with the problem, after all since no one keeps me, and I seem to be the common denominator, maybe it is me?  I never saw myself as meant to be alone, without a male half, but I think perhaps I am just wrong, and I am meant to be a loner in life.  Love never seems to work out for me, friends with benefits didn’t turn out all that well either, so maybe I am meant to be solo in this world?

For now, I just need to sit down, breathe, and rest.  Get my faith back on track.  Analyze ME, work on ME, enjoy just ME.  No one to answer too, no one to work around their schedule (it always was ME working around them rather than them working around me anyway).  Build my business, enjoy my life and solitude and just follow my heart and dreams for a change.

And listen to that still, small voice that keeps whispering in my heart…be still.

The words that keep playing over and over again in my heart and soul from one of my favorite hymns:

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.

I know that what I need  to do is move away from the gate, stop looking through it waiting for who will unlock it next, or hoping the Count will return.  I need to sit down in the center of the garden, and just breathe.  Just rest. Just be still.


  1. I am so sorry you’re going through this. It just boggles my mind that a grown man would behave like this.

  2. I like to think of people as bouncey sometimes. They/we bounce off of each other, in the hopes that we’ll all learn a little something to be better humans. Sometimes you get a 22-year bounce, and sometimes you get a 1-day bounce or a 3-month bounce. Maybe we’re drawn towards what we need to learn/experience, and then once we have that – it’s time to learn something else. Just as you’ve taught (or had the life sucked out of you), you’ve also learned about managing your anger, standing on your own two feet, reinventing your career, what you want your life to look like both on its own merit and as entwined with someone else’s. Bouncing is an up and down thing – the higher you fly, the harder you hit the ground – but you do bounce back up again. You are bouncing too – so focus on what your bounce looks like instead of how crappy it can feel when someone lands on you. Just a thought.

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