The Dating Diaries ~ If You Can’t Handle Me At My Worst…

TheSingleWoman™ – As uncertain as the life of a single girl might be..we make our own rules & answer only to ourselves..& that ROCKS.

The door to the secret garden of my heart is slammed shut and locked.  Yeah, all is not good in paradise today.  And if you know anything about me you know that if you hurt my feelings bad enough, I’m going to completely close up and good luck getting me to open up again.  My heart is a very fragile thing, has been for a few years now and for me to open it to anyone is a huge step for me.  And for anyone to find themselves in possession of a key to the gate of my secret garden, the deep parts of me, the whole of my heart and soul, well use it responsibly because while I do not pick who has that key, fate/chemistry/God does, I do chose who will suddenly find their key no longer works in the lock.

I’m trying very hard not to be irrational, stomping pacing back and forth in front of the gate on the inside of the wall, the temptation to revoke access is definitely there.  Once I revoke it, it is never available again, which is why this Taurian is snorting and stomping fuming and pacing.  I’ve worked hard the past two years, with the help of the meds, to learn to control my reactions and instead of reacting, chose to  respond.

As I have said in my About Me section, I am known for posting things now and then that may be considered inappropriate, or not thinking through things before I hit post/publish.  This is not just on my blog, it goes on Facebook too.  Seems I did that…well okay after further review of the play, the penalty call stands.  I cannot reverse it no matter how many red flags I toss out there on the field.

The post was a video of some of the occupy Wall Street ladies topless, whining and carrying on about the cops telling them to put their shirts back on.  I found it hard to take these idiots seriously when I saw it, so much for being intelligent liberals, obviously you had to resort to displaying your less than impressive rack to gain attention to your cause as no one was paying attention.  And they sure weren’t going to take you seriously now!  But back on track here (love when I hijack my own blog).  I posted that, not thinking about the fact that the Count’s 12yo grandson would see it.  Seems the Count didn’t care for it either.  I thought I had set it so the  children/youngsters on my Facebook didn’t see it, but guess that was an epic FAIL.  I had commented on a photo of a cheerleader with a spot on the crotch of her shorts too, that I thought it was photo shopped.  Because I commented on it, the way Facebook works these days, it showed up in the feeds of my friends.  I didn’t think about that, I’m still adjusting to the changes Facebook made (when will they learn if it isn’t broken don’t fix it?).

Now backing up a tad here, things have been strained between me and the count of late, at least it felt that way.  I knew going into this that this time of year he works, A LOT.  As in he is at work before most of us get out of bed in the morning, and is still working when most of us go to bed at night.  And we’re seeing each other one day a week if that.  But as I said, this I knew so while I am a woman that needs more attention than a random text every day, I was being patient and trying not to complain.  Though I admit I felt like the family pooch given the crumbs brushed off the table after everyone else had their portion of the count’s time.  It’s what you do when you love someone.  And is wasn’t going to last forever, just a few more weeks before things would be normal again.

So, Friday at 9pm I received a text, him venting about work.  I sent multiple texts after that.  Nothing, no response at all.  I had dinner with a very dear friend last night and came home to discover I had been deleted from the Count’s Facebook, and his grandson’s.  No text, email or phone call to explain, just gone.  I texted and got no reply. I called and left a voicemail, nothing.  Now maybe I am not thinking this through clearly (damn muscle relaxers) but when one goes from dozens of texts a day, slowly down to a random ONE most days…it is hard to hold on with that crumb.  Then to go over 24 hours with no communication and to find oneself removed from their significant other’s friends list and their grandson’s.  Well I’m sorry if I jumped to the wrong conclusion after the attempts to communicate from my end, but I assumed the relationship had come to a halt.  Please feel free to point out to me if you think this was not a valid conclusion.

I come to find out, finally after making that assumption in a text in the wee hours of this morning when I couldn’t sleep and asking yet again later at a reasonable hour of the morning when I still had no reply, that he removed me and made the grandson remove me, over that video and the picture.  And now he needs to take a step back and rethink us?

All this could have been avoided with a quick text pointing out the necessary reminder (told ya I don’t think things through all the time) that there is a child on my Facebook and that the items were inappropriate viewing material.  But no, he reacted in anger (he said he was mad over it) and deleted me.

Now, I might be wrong here as I’m stomping through my vegetation tip toeing through the tulips inside the garden here, but when you go from “I love you” and “I miss you” and talking about a future, a business, and a life together, to all of the above….well to ME it sure seems like someone was just looking for an easy way out?  How about just telling me you want out, it isn’t working for you, whatever.  If anyone thinks it hurts less this way well they are quite mistaken.

The  worst part is I find myself repeating dance steps of the past…making excuses for him!  He is working so hard, long hours, is sleep deprived and grumpy and on a short fuse these days….when in fact there is no excuse for treating someone you say you love this way!  Communication is key to any relationship and there was a huge lack of it here.  And I cannot do this again, I’m not going to be an option rather than a priority in anyone’s life.  And I am sure as hell not going to change who and what I am to fit in anyone’s mold.  Been there, done that, and spent a long time  peeling back the layers and rediscovering who I really was and I am NOT going back in a box for anyone.  Take me as I am or don’t take me at all!

In the words of my all time favorite quote and personal mantra:

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”~ Marilyn Monroe

And  honestly, if that is the worst anyone ever has to deal with, my imperfection when it comes to posting stuff now and then that maybe I need to think through, but my best is loyalty, love and total faithfulness and support, then  they should seriously be thankful because I’m one hell of a great package!  If he cannot handle my worst…well as it says, he doesn’t deserve my best.

Which must be evident  to many because the single men are already swarming  like cockroaches when the lights go out, asking for a chance to see if they might hold that key to the garden gate after seeing my relationship status change to single when someone deleted me.

Sorry boys, the marvelous one needs time to let the cracks in her heart heal right now.  😦


  1. True, but still a bummer, I know. BTW, I am that age, and I really think that deleting someone as a FB friend as a means of communicating is so juvenile…even my 19, almost 20 year old daughter complains about that kind of thing…

    Oh well, you are so right, better to find out now! Maybe he just needed an excuse, but even that is disappointingly immature…

  2. You know Marti, it seems to me that his reaction was awfully “high schoolish” for a man of what I suppose his age to be…I would think that you would both be past that at this stage of life…SMH…What a disappointment…As for the post, if he didn’t care for it then why did he click on it? And didn’t you say that the grandson is 12? I don’t think that this was a new thing for him…Just sayin’

    Sounds like your instincts about the situation are spot on, and I am sorry that you are having to go through this.

    • Thanks Kim. He is 53. I find it disturbing our relationship was so fragile that my assumptions about no communication and being removed from Facebook would be all it takes for a rethinking of us. Tells me that he just not that into me and the shared dreams and goals…well obviously very conditional and I’m not perfect so I’ll never reach his expectations. Best to find out now though!

  3. Cinammon said it very well. Personally, when I friend someone underage, I immediately put them on a restricted list that basically lets them see nothing – so I’m not an exciting person in their world and so I don’t feel the need to police what I’m posting. That being said, if he can’t deal with you rationally over this, then good riddance. He couldn’t just call or text and say ‘hey I’m pissed and we need to talk on Sunday, need to get some air til then’? Death by 1000 cuts – first it’s ‘I don’t like what you post on FB or Twitter’, then it’s ‘did you really feel a need to blog about that?’…and it goes from there to ‘maybe you should do that top button’. He knew who you were and what you were about when he signed on, now it’s a problem. Like you said, looking for the easy out IMHO.

  4. Sounds to me as if you aren’t the only one w/ impulsivity issues w/ regard to FB. He might want to sit back in that glass house and reflect.

  5. Honey if he is gonna get mad over such a small thing as the facebook posts, he’s not worth the headache or heartache in my opinion. No one is perfect and for the mentioned posts to be such an issue as to remove you from his and his grandson’s facebook…. give me a break. I agree, he should have mentioned them to you…. if this was such a big deal, then I’d hate to see how he’d react if you got into an accident in one of his cars after he specifically tells you to be careful. (hypothetically speaking, of course)… things happen and we all make mistakes….

    I’d consider this his loss…. but that’s just my .03 (inflation ya know)

    love ya girl!

  6. **Disclaimer: JMHO…

    If I base my comment on what I have just read I would say this, and I’ll try not to be too long winded. I do not think that, as an adult, you should have to “police” what you say on FB or anywhere else. If you are comfortable with the comments that you make, or the pictures or videos that you post….that’s all there should be to it. Adults are the ones that are supposed to police what children see (and don’t you have to be 13 to get an account on FB?). That being said, if you and he agreed ahead of time that you were going to use whatever kind of restraint in your posting, and then you didn’t….well, I still think that he as an adult should have at least discussed it with you.

    No One is a mind reader. How can you know that you’ve done something wrong unless you are told? You should NEVER have to guess and worry, and second guess your actions. Time and piece of mind is too valuable to waste on that kind of nonsence. If something makes you mad, express it. In a mature way, but express it. He’s being the immature one here.

    Guess I was long winded after all. But I live by these words too: We are all EX’s of someone for some reason. Men too !!

    Marilyn also said this: “Imperfection is Beauty, Madness is Genius, and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring !”

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