The Dating Diaries ~ Love And The Bull In A China Shop

Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed.  Maybe they’re supposed to run free until they find someone-just as wild- to run with. ~Sex & the City

In my on going search to find that one, special man, who finds me to be that one, special woman, I’m doing a lot of self examination.  The past 18 months have been a series of lessons in which I have had to face some things about myself and make some decisions about my life.

As I have mentioned in a previous post, I’m a bit of a free spirit.  Okay a lot of one.   And like any wild creature, I cannot be tamed.  You can clip my wings, cage me and all you will have is a wild bird that will stop singing and will throw myself against my cage bars when frustrated, resulting in explosive exchanges between me and my significant other.  Peace and harmony isn’t possible when your spirit is trapped and contained (or worse yet, crushed) when what it needs is to fly free.

I tried very hard for 23 years, 22 of those while married to Lord Voldemort, to live with my wings clipped, existing within a cage that I willingly entered.  It didn’t work so well.  While I have a submissive nature, I’m still a wild creature that needs my freedom to be ME.  After a year  in a bible study, The Excellent Wife, and many prayers that seem endless, to have that quiet and gentle spirit, we still butted heads, constantly sometimes.  Over the past year and a half I realized that I DO have a quiet and gentle spirit.  Unless provoked, then this Taurian will snort, stomp and charge at the source of my agitation with the intent of goring it to pieces with my horns. I become like a bull in a china shop, the end results are never pretty.  I cannot entirely fault my ex, or take the blame myself, it is pretty much a 50/50 split.  I adored the man, loved him completely and very much wanted to make him happy.  But his ability to balance the position of leading me just wasn’t there.  Not with someone of as strong a nature as mine at least.  I stuck it out and would still be there, because when I commit to someone, it isn’t me that will throw in the towel, I just keep on trying to get it right.  Great man, great dad, horribly bad pairing with me.

In order to even begin to coexist with me, my significant other has to be a very strong personality.  A natural-born leader.  One that understands the balance between leading and dominance.  True leaders are able to rule their kingdoms with a firm but gentle hand.  It is because they are so well-balanced, fair and honorable that those under their leadership follow readily.  They do not rule by fear and lording their position over others.  They do not resort to cruelty to gain submission to their authority.  Because they are those of such great character that they lead with peace and harmony.  I cannot and won’t be subject to a tyrant.  My man has to have that balance.  Granted, it won’t be perfect all of the time, but the majority of the time.  After all we are all human and have our bad days.

If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy to deal with. If she’s easy to deal with, she won’t be amazing. – Love Quote Jones

Most men that I’ve dated or gotten close too have told me I am a wonderful person, amazing, kind, etc.  While I am certainly not perfect, I do think I am pretty awesome.  But with that comes a very head strong, stubborn, and sometimes difficult woman.  I’m…complex, multi-faceted…okay complicated.  Think layers, like an onion, to borrow from Shrek.  It takes someone special to peel those layers back carefully to learn all my secrets, dreams and fears.  It takes a man who is committed and willing to stick to the task.  Those are so few and far between there are days I really wonder if I will ever find the one for me.

I’ve loved 3 men, really loved, who I could and would love completely.  That I’d give everything in me to make them happy.  And I will never completely get over them, they have part of my heart that I cannot get back.   One divorced me, one belongs to someone else, and one will forever be a special friend and no more.  The last being the strongest personality of the 3, the strongest personality I’ve ever known, and the one I was most drawn too.  Anyone of them could wrap my heart and devotion back around their little finger in a minute.   The interesting thing is that somewhere deep in my soul, I knew them the minute I saw them.  There was instant chemistry, a complete draw.  I did not even know Lord Voldemort’s name, the first time I laid eyes on him I just knew I’d be married to him one day.  Similar things with the other two men, not that I had a premonition of a commitment, but something inside of me was drawn out and reached toward something inside of them.  Chemistry.  Something was there that I did not want to live my life without them being a part of it.

I believe when I find the right man, it will be like that again.  I will just know immediately, deep down,  this is the guy I want to be with, want to make happy, want to share laughter and good moments, the tears and difficult times. Only this time it  will be one that wants to keep me, one that wants to share their hopes,  dreams, fears and life with me.  He’ll understand that I need to be FREE, to be me,  my quirky, amazing, wild spirited self.  I will be faithful to him, love only him, and live to please him, fully and completely.  That one who doesn’t want to live without me being at his side, a part of his life.