I do have the blues, bad today. I have been battling it for a few days but today was the worst.
I miss my kids.
I mean REALLY miss my kids.
And in that missing them is a great deal of bitterness trying very hard to work it’s way past the armor wrapped around my heart. Bitterness toward their dad. Bitter, mean, nasty stuff that wants to worm its way in and make me spew all kinds of hateful words that I am refusing to let enter my mind. I’m in a battle and refuse to let go and fall into that trap again.
I miss seeing my little girl (20 years old is still a little girl to a mom), even when it may have only been when she was deep in sleep and I got some mumbled gibberish when I kissed her good bye in the morning when I left for work. Yes, I still kissed her goodbye and told her I loved her before I crept out, and she was 19. I desperately miss her frumpled up hair and sleepy face when she’d wander into the kitchen in the mornings. I miss her contagious laugh and gorgeous smile that was a part of nearly every day when we shared the same home. I miss those nights when her dad was on duty and she’d come out to the hot tub with me, with her cell phone in a zip-lock baggie so she wouldn’t miss a word from her boyfriend, and how I loved seeing her in love. I even miss her pissy, PMS driven days filled with attitude and crabbiness. I miss my baby girl so much.
I miss hearing my son’s tales of work, though it causes me to worry about him. I miss his crazy sense of humor and how he could make me laugh until I cried. I miss when he would come for a visit and then fall asleep on the couch because of exhaustion from his insane schedule. I loved watching him sleep, missing the little boy that sat in my lap once and held my face in his tiny hands, seeing me crying, and wiped my tears away saying “don’t cry mommy, it’ll be alright”. I miss him asking for my laptop to show me countless videos that he thought were hilarious. He will be moving back in with dad and his little sister, into the house that was our home, MY home, filling the walls with laughter and fun again.
I feel so disconnected and unneeded to them now. On Facebook I am blocked by their dad, so the comments on my kid’s pages, and often the string of replies makes no sense at all to me because I cannot see what is there unless someone that is a mutual friend of them all shares it so I get the joke. Often I comment and mine are lost in their exchange with dad and I feel invisible. It is like I disappeared and sometimes I wonder if I am even missed at all. They will be a family in the house that they grew up in, but I’m not there. The house that I was instrumental in providing, the one we’d have not had without my mom’s help, and I’m the one on the outside. I was the one forced to leave my home, my kids, MY FAMILY.
The pain has been fresh and overwhelming the past few days again.
I miss my house, my neighbors, the dog…..but mostly….
I. MISS. MY. KIDS!!!!! 😦
Marti Gardner 
{{hugs}}
I think it might help you to put yourself in their shoes when you’re getting these kinds of blues. Yes, they’re at their dad’s house, which they consider home of a sort. But walls and trinkets don’t make a home, people do. Trust that it’s strange for them to walk into the kitchen and not see a fresh pot of coffee on – or that things aren’t taken care of the way their mother did it – maybe things in the refrigerator that they took for granted as always being there aren’t there when they reach for them because you didn’t do the shopping. And they notice that your bed head isn’t welcoming them into a day just as much as you miss their bed head. These little gestures mean more than we can imagine until they are removed – and trust that just as much as you miss making them, the receivers notice that those gestures have had to take different shape – texts, emails, comments. I’m sure that missing puts a spring in their step when they get time to go visit mom’s house. And just think – with more people living there – you won’t be cleaning all the xtra bathroom dirtiness or picking up wet towels. There IS a silver lining to having your own space at the Diva Den. 🙂
Thanks, cousin! I had not thought about it that way, but you are correct!
Marti – they will miss your presence there. Mikey’s big heart will know. All of this is a blip on the screen, dear.
I read your post with “heart-filled” feelings! The lost of home . . of family and not being in your children’s lives. It is so emotionally devastating. To have the hope that someday – things could change. Oh! Yes! Marti things tend to be circular. What goes around comes around! Your time in the sunshine is drawing near. Take comfort in that fact!
I will be visiting my son’s grave in a couple of months to celebrate his birthday. James Ander died on my birthday. There is no hope to be with him until my Jesus takes me from this planet. With the grace of God, I will join him – but for now – I live life to the fullest. My goal is to add to others – to let them know there is so much more to life even though we all get shitty hands. Wow! Kinda sounds like Marvelous Marti! You are a special woman with many gifts – never – never forget it.
Your time will come my friend and with God’s grace and love, I will get to share it with you through those Marvelous Eyes of Yours.
Jmon
Well said:) That Karma is a total bitch. I’m so sorry about your loss, nothing worse than losing a child…no matter the circumstances.
I am overcome with emotion on this post. I can not even comprehend what you are going through. I don’t know why you are no longer there, but the pain must be overwhelming.
Not there because this time last year my husband decided he wanted a divorce. He got his divorce, the house, pretty much everything that I held dear. Him I do not miss and never want back, I learned I am a better person without him, but I very much miss my kids and our home.
OFCS Marti…I can’t even begin to know that level of pain. I’m so very sorry:( Just brings it all back to the surface again, I’m sure. I did read the “appliance” comments and it was all I could do not to comment as I, too am trying very hard to take the high road. (((((((((Marti)))))))
Thanks Pammie. The sad part is my kids see those comments made but the posters don’t think about that and how it might make my kids feel.