Pouring My Heart Out

This was ready a day early, but I published it early because it was ready and I’m lucky if I know when I’m coming and going anymore!

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I think I finally have my footing in the world again.  The dust settled, my heart discovered that it was going to survive and checked out of ICU and into protective custody.  I’m adjusting to working and paying my own bills, and I have established a routine for the weekdays.  Weekends have no definite routine other than Saturday night wine with the Divas.

The boss resigned and I’ve been juggling 2 territories and that is finally settling down.  There are some loose ends still but I finally feel confident that I can handle this much responsibility, which I had serious doubts for a while.  See, I do not like going places that are unfamiliar (probably some big medical label for that) but now that I have been to the Dayton office and found it (gotta love GPS on the smart phone), got inside and saw what needed to be done,  I feel much better about that.  Still scrambling in some ways but I’m getting there and I KNOW I can handle it.

I love the holidays and this is the first Christmas in 23 years that I won’t have to deal with Ebenezer Scrooge.  I had no issues with us not buying for each other, we both always got whatever we needed throughout the year.  And material things mean nothing to me, actions that back up the words “I love you” mean far more to me.  I’d rather have your heart, your love, that is all the gift I need.

The ex hated the holidays with good reason, but never could let his past go.  His childhood sucked balls, no nice way to put it, and the holidays were just a more focused time to be tortured mentally by his parents.  But seriously, at some point you need to let it GO and embrace the happiness and spirit of the season.  Connect with your inner child and learn to laugh and play again.  Get some therapy, but get over it and let the crutch go!

I cannot wait for the holidays to arrive, my sister is a Christmas freak like me, though her favorite holiday is Halloween.  Like me, she cannot get the tree up fast enough (my poor mom, we will likely have both trees up the weekend after Halloween!).  The Divas love the music, decorations, smells, lights…and the childlike joy that goes with it.  It will be so nice to not have that dark cloud hanging over things that was a part of being married to my ex.  I tolerated it as one of the many ‘worst’ things about him, but it is without a doubt a major relief to no longer have too.

I’m totally enjoying my relationship with Mr. TSASA (twisted steel and sex appeal).  I’ve never been in this sort of relationship with someone before, so it is rather new and there really are no rules/guidelines outside of the boundaries we chose to set.  I’ve never known a man that would drive 40 minutes just to take me out for a ride so he could hold my hand, see me, kiss me and hug me…and that is all.  Seriously, that is new  territory.  The physical/sexual attraction is very much there, has been since the first time we met.  But really, he drove that far because he had this little block of time in his schedule and he wanted to just be with me.  It restores my faith that maybe all men are NOT pigs, just 99.9% of them.

The ‘friendship’ part is very important to me, and also admittedly a bit scary.  Friends aren’t truly friends if they don’t care about each other.  To allow a friendship to grow means that those feelings could develop and over time become something far more serious.  That is the part that concerns me.  I don’t think my heart can handle being shattered again and I have no desire to risk that happening.  But it is not realistic to think I can keep it from feeling.  I’m not going to cover it up, I smile when my phone rings and it is him calling, or when I get an email.  He makes me feel very special when we are together and apart.  But I refuse to rush this, place hope on it, etc.  Neither of us want to push things into something they are not, but we also don’t want to run from something that could be sweet and wonderful. What a hot mess!   We both are gun shy, we both have had someone we loved so much shred our hearts and drop the remaining pieces at our feet, so our hearts are locked up pretty securely.  So we will error on the side of caution and go forward exceedingly slow and see what happens. For now, we have a great friendship with a superb benefit package.

One thing the past 23 years taught me is that you can put too much pressure on a person by making them the center of your world.  Sooner or later they will let you down, they are after all human.  When everything you do, think and say revolves around a particular individual, your world will crash and burn if that person walks out of your life.  Maybe it was more than the ex could handle?  I don’t know as I was not the center of his world so I don’t know what that kind of expectation must feel like, but I’m positive I do NOT want that.  I want to be one of the treasures/blessings in life to someone, but not their sole wealth and focus.  And I never want anyone to be what my world revolves around again, my world should revolve around me.  No person should ever be my sole enjoyment, but be one of many parts that I enjoy of my life.  Certainly people and things in life must be prioritized, and I could be and could make someone a priority, but not the number one. I am number one in my life, and everyone should consider themselves number one in theirs.  When all those other things fail, you are all you have left and you better have nurtured and taken care of yourself mentally and emotionally so you can withstand when the rest is gone.

As they said in the movie, White Christmas, it is dangerous to put knights on those white horses, they can fall off.  Sooner or later every knight gets tossed off his horse, and every princess falls off her throne.   But can we forgive each others imperfections, and help them climb back up, or do we raise the drawbridge and fill the moat with piranhas?